Exploring emotional intimacy & vulnerability šš½āāļø
"I find connection in learning from my partners." š š§
Last week, my therapist asked me to mull over this question: āWhat does emotional intimacy look likeĀ for you?ā
Emotional intimacyĀ is a closeness between two people who feel safe and secure with each other. It is one of the ways we form trust.
This week, she asked me āWhat does beingĀ vulnerableĀ look like for you?ā
I thought I would share my thoughts here.
In order to engage in physical intimacy, I need emotional intimacy. First and always. Not everyone operates like this, but I do. Last weekend, I began taking some mental notes and writing down the actions I consider "emotionally intimate."
I enjoy learning. If you know me, you know I consider myself a life-long learner.
Reading is important to me. Education is something I value highly.
My point in saying this is I am attracted to people who areĀ patientĀ enough to teach me a skill or educate me about a topic. WeĀ existĀ andĀ moveĀ through a world that runs on impatience (capitalism sucks), so if you can take the time to sit me down and teach me something, I find that to be emotionally intimate, which will make me lean into connecting with you on a deeper level. My soulĀ cravesĀ learning, and so IĀ requireĀ that from my partner, friends and tribe. It's one of the reasons I have so many mentors. I can pick their brain about whatever.
Teaching showed up in past experiences, and I didn't even realize it till last week. There was a massage therapist I spent some time with, and I asked him to teach me how to massage. I asked another person I knew to teach me words in his native language (Hindi).
In all, I find connection in learning from my partners.
A new friend I made recently, told me she correlates having intellectual conversations to physical, sexual experiences. The stimulation is the same for her, and honestly itās the same for me, too.
āIāll teach youāĀ is one of the most attractive things you can say to me. Attract my mind, and my body will surely follow. I didnāt get that from the guy who traumatized me. I asked him to teach me his native language, but he didnāt want to. Teach me about your religion. Again, another āno.ā
Iāll never forget when he told me he hated reading. Like, actually hated to read. I remember we were having a conversation, and I sent him an article to back up my argument, and he said ādonāt send me that.ā It was irritating. Was it too much of an ask for you to invest a small amount of time in an activity I enjoyed? He wanted to hear my argument without taking the time to look at the factual research that backed up my claim. Like, what?
Phew, chile. And yet this man wants to be a math teacher. An educator.
Sharing music is also a form of emotional intimacy I love. Music gets me through life. Literally. Without music, I donāt think I could make it. This world can be unrelenting in its unkindness and music, for me, is a healthy escape from that. When someone randomly sends me a new artist or new song to listen to, I immediately become happy. Smiling and all.
A few other emotionally intimate activities I enjoy:
cooking with people
watching movies together and discussing scenes, important themes after the movie ends and how it connects to real-life situations
Play games together (doesn't matter the game, as long as thereās a challenge where I can kick some ass)
Music I'm currently vibing to: Jorja Smith - Addicted
Quote I'm thinking about:"There is something about our culture that looks down on showing emotion." - Nedra TawwabĀ
Letās talk vulnerabilityā¦
Vulnerable.Ā noun. willingness to show emotion or to allow oneās weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt.Ā
Being vulnerable with people has always been easy for me. Iām known for crying and expressing what I feel. Iāve never been incredibly stoic or known to stifle my emotions. But, I have often come in contact with people whoĀ AREĀ and in doing so, they have tried to project that part of themselves on to me:
āYou are too sensitive.ā
āStop crying.ā
āYou are being hysterical!ā
āYou are such a fucking crybaby.ā
Ever have someone tell you any of the above? Itās just a projection (but it could also be them being an asshole!). Either way, Iāve learned to not take it personally. One of my close friends has a saying I admire āYOUĀ might be too afraid to be sensitive. But Iām not.ā I now live by that. Iām comfortable in being seen as āsensitiveā because thatās who I am. I feel what I feel and Iām powerful because of it.
My ability to be āsensitiveā and vulnerable is a strength, and so I stand in that truth. Itās helped me with my craft of storytelling. More than anything, I want to be able to make audiencesĀ feelĀ and if I can do that, then Iām succeeding at my job as a writer and storyteller. When I was in journalism school, reporting on heavy topics like mental health, immigration, race + identity, Iād get some of theĀ BESTĀ quotes and responses from sources because I didnāt have a problem poking at their emotional spots and seeing what I could find, what they would be willing to open up and share with me. I sat with them in their grief and pain and I assured them it was okay to cry in front of me when they tried apologizing for it.
Now, because I am a person who knows she is sensitive and capable of being vulnerable with any and everyone, I have had to reel that back in at times. Iām aware there are some people who canāt handle the messiness of being vulnerable. The emotions can be too intense for some, especially for those who suppress their own emotions or arenāt in tune with them.
I have learned to be careful with who I show my vulnerable side to. Like I said, some people canāt handle it and have even tried to weaponize my vulnerability and use it against me in arguments. I encourage you to stay away from people who do that.
Now, to answer my therapistās question of what vulnerability looks like for me. Vulnerability looks like being able to authentically and naturally express oneās emotional side without fear of judgment.
Questions for you to think about this weekend:
Are there people you find yourself gravitating toward when you need to be vulnerable?
What are some āemotionally intimateā activities you enjoy with people in your circle?
See you next week! āļø